What is a Conscious Relationship?

Have you heard the term conscious couples? Several years ago Gwyneth Paltrow created a buzz when she and her then-husband Chris Martin announced they were consciously un-coupling, bringing lots of questions about what this means to do this. It also shone a light on the idea of conscious coupling, a precursor to un-coupling. At the time, many thought it sounded like a slightly Hollywood-ised buzz phrase that goes alongside the newest mix of yoga-bike-pilates class or newly discovered super-berry-milk-coffee drink! But the idea isn’t as new as many thought.

Gwyneth and Chris were onto something that has actually been around for a while and like most things that are being pulled off the vintage rack, have gone by different, slightly less catchy names in the past. These are ‘accountable relationships’, ‘intentional partnering’, ‘self-aware couples’ and ‘radically-responsible relationships’ (I find this one rather catchy, it’s the r’s!). With the evolving equality movements of the last 60 years, people who previously did not have a voice in how and who they partnered with were able to choose and create relationships that best suited them. A big YES to this! And while there is still room for us to grow in relationship equity, the diversity in who and how you could ‘do’ relationship with has encouraged a deeper personal and relational growth. With diversity and options has come a greater need for self-awareness, openness, negotiation, responsibility and respect, leading to intentional and ‘conscious’ relationships. But what does that mean if you now?

With diversity and options has come a greater need for self-awareness, openness, negotiation, responsibility and respect, leading to intentional and ‘conscious’ relationships.

What this means for us now is we have choice in how much we invest in our relationships, what is the purpose and how long we stay in it. We are able to choose what is most important to us as an individual and couple, as well as how much we choose to honour our values. With many available choices it is easy to get overwhelmed and confused! As human beings we typically don’t like to many options or we get stuck in over-thinking and overwhelm, leading to either not making a choice (which ironically is a choice) or allowing others and culture to choose for us. As our culture has moved away from traditional and religious models of how to live our lives, we have needed to find new ways of knowing how to make decisions. This is where popular media and Hollywood got us off track with the message of being “happy” as the sign that it was “right”. Feeling happy was all you really needed to judge if a relationship was working, and if you weren’t? Well…? This creates enormous pressure for your partner and relationship to create your internal happiness, supporting the idea that your happiness is the job of others. Research by John Gottman and the Harvard-Grant Longitudinal Study have shown that the purpose of relationships is not ‘in the moment happiness’ but growth. 

Research by John Gottman and the Harvard-Grant Longitudinal Study have shown that the purpose of relationships is not ‘in the moment happiness’ but growth.

Our ability to consider what part we play in the relationship dynamic, the unhelpful beliefs we hold, the bigger-than-the-context-calls-for emotional reactions and the hurtful actions we take is the conscious part of conscious relationships. These skills, along with our ability to apologise, make amends and take responsibility has been found over and over again to what leads to a longer, healthier and more meaningful life.

The good news is, anyone can create this type of relationship, from where you are now. There is no need for any person to be perfect or healed because it is about being yourself, committing to be your best self and loving the other, while respecting they are also growing. The conscious relationship skills of self-reflection, accountability and clear communication can be learnt, and what better place to do that than in a loving, intentional relationship!

Carrie x

References

Gottman, J.S, Gottman, J., Abrams, R. & Abrams, D. (2019). Eight Dates: To keep your relationship happy, thriving and lasting. Penguin UK

Waldinger, R., & Schulz, M. M. (2023). The Good Life. Éditions Leduc.