3 Common Conflict Mistakes
In my twenties I worked at a community agency in central Queensland and my employer provided a staff training day on ‘conflict resolution skills’ so that we could manage difficult situations effectively. We were shown how to listen, validate, de-escalate and help the person feel understood and assist them towards a resolution. It was good training that has been helpful in many ways across the following decades. However, following the day of training, I still walked back into my own home and marriage where I’m emotionally invested. At home I didn’t have a co-worker that I could call on to assist or a manager to pass a difficult situation on to. I was just me, and my husband who was just him, and all our own emotions and needs that don’t show up in a workplace like they do at home. It was progressive in the early 2000’s to provide this training in a workplace, they certainly didn’t teach us about human emotions or interactions at high school in the 90’s!
Like most people, the only other place I learnt about conflict and how to do it, was in the home I grew up in.
Simply being around your primary carers as a child, you absorb and learn what is safe and not safe in the world. You learn how to ask for (or not) your needs, what to do when you are upset, and just as importantly, what to do when other people are angry. Do you get out of the way? Do you stand your ground? Do you raise your anger to a higher level than your partners? Mostly we learn the ‘tactics’ of conflict without even really noticing that we are taking it all on board.
Remember, conflict isn’t negative, it’s completely normal to have different perspectives and needs from others, even from your partner. It is not what you are disagreeing about, rather its HOW you do conflict that is important.
Research by John Gottman and the Harvard Grant Longitudinal Study both found that it is conflict resolution skills that determine the satisfaction levels of relationships and aid in living a long and healthy life.
I’ve learnt a lot about myself by working through conflict behaviours with my husband. As I continued my training in couples therapy, we would discuss and practice new skills, sometimes it would be a hot mess and sometimes we would surprise ourselves. We’ve strengthened our trust in each other and know that we have each other’s back even when we see things differently. Working with over a thousand couples in the last decade, I hear many struggle in this area. It feels so heartbreaking, disconnecting and hopeless when conflict goes around-and-around, and is never fully resolved.
To help you break this painful cycle of conflict, I have created a list of the three most common conflict mistakes that I see couples make and what to do instead.
Blaming the other person for how we feel
I must admit at first this doesn’t make a lot of sense! I get it… if they hadn’t done that thing or said xyz to you, you wouldn’t be upset! Of course it’s because of them that I feel this way right! Right?
Well… to give a bit of a metaphor, what’s one person’s trash is another person’s treasure. Most of the time we will have a different perspective from our partner. What upsets them might not upset me, and vice versa. It is actually our own beliefs, needs, values and desires that we filter everything through and leads to how we feel.
And don’t forget, YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID!
And they are YOUR feelings, so own them, don’t be afraid of them or how others might judge you. You are wonderfully you and by owning how you feel, you take your power back, you get to know yourself better and you can grow. Not to mention it is amazing and freeing! How do you do this amazing thing?
Instead of blaming…
You use “I” statements
For example,
‘When I hear you say xyz, I feel alone, which is really scary for me.’
Using I statements is not a play on words and I get that it can feel awkward or clunky at first. Learning anything new usually does. It does get easier and most importantly it encourages you to think about why you are upset. Sharing this with your partner also has the wonderful flow on of creating deeper emotional safety and connection.
2. Criticising the other Person
This flows on from blaming your partner and adds on that they have some personality or character flaw. Criticism can be in the actual words we say, for example ‘you’re selfish’ or implied with words ‘of course you wouldn’t think of me’ or with tone and body language. Criticism interrupts a relationship by making it an ‘against each other’ situation rather than a team ‘we’. Being a team facing a challenge together keeps you both open to hearing each other, understanding and finding mutually agreeable solutions. So how do we turn criticism on it’s head?
Instead of criticising…
Bring up the problem in a kind and gentle way, focusing on the factual part of the situation.
For example,
‘Hey honey, I noticed the deck is painted a different colour from what we discussed, I’m wondering what happened?’
This will help keep conversation open rather going down the path of defensiveness and further criticism.
3. Bringing up the Past
It can seem to be a good idea to provide examples from your relationship history to add oomph to your point of view but it’s also a sure-fire way of getting stuck arguing about who is right and who is wrong! Likewise, asking for examples from the past can lead you down a dark path of defensiveness, justifying and further conflict. Before you know it, you are feeling overwhelmed by all the ‘flaws’ in each other that you forget why you are fighting in the first place, or worse, why you love this person and why you are working so hard to keep it going. A heartbreaking place to be!
Instead of bring up the past…
Stick to one issue at a time.
For example,
Listen to what is upsetting your partner
show that you understand how they feel
ask what they are needing or how you might be able to support
negotiate solutions (if needed) until it’s a win-win
then you can move onto other challenges if needed
Feeling heard, validated and feeling supported by your partner not only feels wonderful, it’s encouraging and creates a secure relationship. You know that you can turn to your partner and they will be there for you.
Relationship counselling supports you to put this into practice in a safe environment. Knowing something in your mind is great, but without ‘doing’ something, it stays as knowledge without change. If you would like support to create change in your conflict skills and have greater emotional connection and intimacy, reach out to book a session today.
Carrie X