The Essential Elements of a Healthy Relationship Start Here
Building and maintaining a healthy relationship involves more than just love and attraction. It requires ongoing effort, understanding, and a willingness to grow together. Whether you're in a relationship or seeking advice to improve one, understanding the key elements that contribute to a healthy partnership is crucial. In this month's blog we explore the key elements of shared power and effective communication, provide you with research-backed insights and reflections to ponder.
A Balance of Power
Why It's Important
A healthy relationship requires an equitable balance of power where both partners feel they have an equal say in decisions. When one person consistently holds more power, it can lead to feelings of inequality, self-doubt, low-confidence and confusion.
Definition of Power
In the context of relationships, power refers to the ability or capacity of an individual to influence the actions, beliefs, or conduct of their partner. It encompasses how decisions are made, who typically has the final say, and how responsibilities are divided. Power in a relationship is ideally balanced, allowing both individuals to feel respected, valued, and autonomous. It is not about dominance or control, but rather about equality and mutual respect, ensuring both partners have the freedom to express their needs and desires.
A quick way of understanding power: Power is defined as control over valued resources, whereas status is when there is respect and admiration in the eyes of others.
When one person holds more power in an intimate relationship, it can become the foundation of domestic violence and coercive control. Such imbalances create an environment where manipulation and dominance thrive, leading to potentially harmful situations. Conversely, having a balance or shared power ensures that both people feel safe to be themselves. In a relationship where power is shared, there is no concern or fear of facing negative consequences, punishment, shame, or threats. This equitable dynamic fosters mutual respect and understanding, creating a supportive environment where both partners can thrive individually and together.
Actionable Advice
Notice in yourself where you may feel uncomfortable, that you struggle to have a voice or feel heard, have felt like you have had to surrender an important part of yourself, your values or your access to resources to keep the peace in the relationship. Journalling is especially helpful with this reflection activity.
Effective Communication
Why It's Important
Good communication is often cited as one of the most important elements of a healthy relationship. However, research also shows that learning communication skills is not effective on its own to improve a relationship – for improvement, effective communication must involve the attitude and belief that you and your partner both deserve to be heard, understand and respected. This is the shared power being put into action.
Understanding Communication Patterns
Research by Dr. Torna Pitman describes conversational control as an early element of coercive control and abuse. Pitman's research identifies how communication behaviours can be used to direct conversations and subtly dictate the direction of a relationship and the balance of power. For example, using shut-down /withdrawal behaviours or dominating conversations through aggressive / overbearing behaviours to ensure only their perspective is priortised or needs are met. This creates an environment where the other partner feels restricted in expressing their thoughts or needs, to avoid the painful disconnection or hurtful argument. Alternatively, equitable relationships foster a safe space for connecting and open communication. In these relationships, both individuals are genuinely heard, win-win outcomes are actively sought, and each person feels free to repair misunderstandings and apologize when necessary. This nurturing communication dynamic creates the overall health, intimacy and longevity of a partnership.
Navigating "No-Go Zones"
Every relationship is unique, and it is natural for each partnership to have certain "no-go zones" or topics that are particularly sensitive or difficult. When this is mutually agreed upon, it can help both partners maintain respectful boundaries, safeguarding the relationship from unnecessary conflict or misunderstandings. Having more than several no-go-zones might feel constraining or limiting in your ability to express your genuine thoughts and feelings, especially if it is to keep the peace and the avoid expected negative consequences.
Reflecting on these restricted topics is crucial. How did they come to be restricted? Was it a compromise you made on your own to avoid the negative consequences? How does impact your ability to be yourself, to communicate openly? Do you feel hesitant, nervous, doubtful or question if you being overly-sensitive? A healthy relationship encourages authenticity, allowing both partners to express themselves freely because there is no fear of being criticised, judged or negative consequences. These relationships generally have only a small number of topics that are not easily discussed but they are able to learn and use effective communication skills based on the foundation of mutual respect and shared power. Creating an accepting environment where each partner can voice concerns safely strengthens trust and solidarity, paving the way for a more resilient and intimate relationship.
Reflection Questions:
1.What communication patterns do I observe in my relationship, and how do they affect the balance of power between my partner and me?
Are there any “no-go zones” in our discussions that limit our ability to connect, and how can we address them to promote open communication?
In what ways can we cultivate an environment of mutual respect and shared power to strengthen our relationship and enhance our ability to express ourselves authenticall
Open and Clear Communication
Why It's Important
If shared power and mutual respect are the foundation, then effective communication is the backbone of a successful relationship. It allows for mutual understanding, genuine partnership, and true intimacy. According to relationship researcher and psychologist Dr. John Gottman, "Couples who communicate openly and clearly are better equipped to handle conflicts and grow closer over time." In a healthy relationship, open and clear communication is the norm rather than the exception. Both partners feel comfortable expressing their feelings, thoughts, and needs without fear of backlash or judgement.
Building Better Communication
Effective communication involves both listening and speaking. It requires actively listening to your partner's perspective and being willing to understand where they are coming from without interrupting or invalidating their feelings. When you speak, it is important to use "I" statements, focusing on your own thoughts and emotions rather than placing blame on your partner. This creates a safe space for open dialogue and prevents defensiveness.
Additionally, setting boundaries around communication can also be helpful in maintaining mutual respect and shared power. This involves discussing and mutually agreeing upon when to have discussions, how to communicate during difficult or sensitive conversations. It can include things like taking breaks, using "time-outs", having time and space to think, and avoiding harmful communication tactics such as criticism, defensiveness or bringing up past conflicts.
In summary, shared power creates a balanced and healthy dynamic in a relationship, allowing for authentic expression without fear of negative consequences. Effective communication is the key to maintaining this balance, fostering mutual respect and deepening the love, trust and intimacy in the relationship. Remember, relationships thrive when both individuals commit to understanding each other’s perspectives and work together towards a harmonious partnership. If you would like to explore this topic further, I have included references and resources below. For support in exploring this topic, individual counselling is beneficial as it provides safe and confidential support.
References
Pitman, B. - Research on conversational control as an early element of coercive control. (2018) Violence Against Women, 24(9), 1014-1034. doi: 10.1177/1077801217735345
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony.
National Domestic Violence Hotline - Power and Control Wheel (2021). Retrieved from https://www.thehotline.org/resources/power-and-control-wheel/
Mindful.org - Tips for navigating sensitive topics in a relationship. 6. Mead, Sharon E., et al. “Communication as a Core Element of Relationship Quality: A Meta-Analytic Review.” Communication Monographs, vol. 77, no. 2, Nov. 2010, pp. 96–132., doi:10.1080/03637751003758114.
7.Gottman, J.M., & Levenson, R.W.(2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737-745.
8.Gottman, J.M., & Levenson, R.W.(1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution behavior. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221-233.
Gottman, J.M., & Krokoff, L.J.(1989). The relationship between marital interaction patterns and outcomes for aggressive and nonaggressive husbands. Journal of Family Violence, 4(3), 295-308.
Bodenmann G., & Shantinath S.D.(2004). The couples coping enhancement training (CCET): A new approach to prevention of marital distress based upon stress and coping. Family Relations, 53(5), 477-484.
Knudson-Martin, C., & Mahoney, A.(2009). Couples therapy for domestic violence: Finding safe solutions. New York, NY: Springer Publishing Company.
Gottman J.M., & Silver N.(1994). Why marriages succeed or fail and how you can make yours last. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks
Lundblad A.M., & Hansson K.(2013). The association between intimate partner violence victimisation and the use of individual strategies. Journal of Family Violence, 28(1), 61-70.
Resources
https://www.1800respect.org.au
Domestic and family violence help in Queensland (dvconnect.org)